This isn’t so much the beginning of a journey, I feel like it is just my turn to hop back in the driver’s seat. I am 55, and well, I have been on this journey for some time. It has finally come to a painful realization that I gave up the driver’s seat some time ago. I must have dozed off in the passenger seat, I find myself slowly waking up, looking around and realizing that I am lost. None of the sites around me are familiar, nor does this look to be anywhere near the destination we were heading for when I dozed off. I say we because I must have entrusted someone to assist in my journeying. I would not have chosen to end up where I am now. Admittedly that other could simply be some unrecognized version of self.
Where am I you ask? I am in a passionless landscape. I struggle to conjure the energy or motivation for any of the things that have previously brought joy to my life. The only emotion that gets my blood flowing is anxiety. I frequently find my mind spinning out of control as it considers futures that in all honesty are very unlikely to unfold.
How I ended up here and how to get to a place more aligned with where I feel I should be is all why I am starting this shared journey with the interwebs. I am a sharer. It is a level of accountability I need for me, and I hope that maybe someone else that is feeling lost can use my journey as an inspiration or map to work through their own lostness, ideally you may want to follow along for a while first. Let me work through the inevitable mistakes and wrong turns. We may even run outta gas a few times. As much as I am hoping to help and inspire others in the end this is 100% my journey.
So why now? I have been lost for a while, the last two years for sure, probably much longer. This week I take a big step. I am once again admitting to myself that my mental health is no longer in a place where I feel I have any control. I am inviting a professional to help get me back on my life’s path. This week I am starting therapy. I am also hoping to go back on some meds ( more about that in the next installment) until I feel strong enough from therapy to once again stand on my own. Therapy isn’t new to me. I think this is probably the 5th round in my life, maybe I should take this as a hint that I just need to keep at it instead of considering myself “fixed”.
The beginning of the journey ( pre-therapy) is a huge chunk. It is the planning, the scheduling and booking, the mapping…. basically in our case there is so much to say to set the scene and get ready for the journey. I am trying to share as much background as possible. I am guessing there will be more background work once we get started. I am, for the sake of you, my reader, going to attempt to break this up in to bite sized bits.
Full disclosure before we hop in. I will be 100% honest in my journey and recollections, but there are going to be some parts that will be left out. Some stories aren’t mine to tell, and some wounds are too raw to expose to the light of day. There may be others I do share you don’t want to know. This is my journey. It will be an honest one, and the one I need to take.
If you haven’t read the first post, you may want to back track. This journey is not about sympathy or drama. It is an honest attempt to help others while helping myself. All are welcome. Be gentle with yourself and be gentle with others. We all carry loads that no one else knows about.
